Body Language: what are you REALLY saying?

We all know the feeling of seeing someone stand or sit in a certain way, and we somehow automatically know what that person is feeling. Or when we see two people having dinner in a restaurant, without listening in (that would be rude!) we can listen in on their body language and get a good idea of what their relationship is, how close they are, even whether they have been together for a long time!

This is all about reading and understanding body language. It is a skill that we are often not even aware we have, and is innate. Even newborn babies can read the body language of their parents - and need to, in order to get the protection and love that they need.

So what is it that we do? Can we learn to do it better? Can we use it to get the "right" messages across?

Wikipedia defines body language as a term for communication using body movements or gestures instead of, or in addition to, sounds, verbal language or other communication. These body movements include facial expressions, hand, arm, feet and leg movements. They often underline the verbal messages given. If they are not supporting the verbal message then we tend to feel the incongruence in the person. They are saying one thing and doing another.

Whenever we give examples of body language and its meaning, we do need to be careful since trying to interpret just one signal may be misleading. Instead we should try to interpret what the experts call "cluster" of signals that all support one another in the final message.

An example would be when a person crosses their arms across their chest - we get a feeling of wanting to protect themselves, of holding back, of creating a barrier. Another example would be the way our feet will tend to point in the direction that we secretly wish to go, or when we see someone seated, and bouncing their foot up and down - a common signal for boredom or impatience and wanting to leave.

We have been told that rubbing our noses or placing a finger or a hand over our mouths may mean that we are lying or hiding something. This gesture comes from when we were children and we told a lie, and we quickly would cover our mouths with our hands to almost try to stop the lie from coming out. As adults, we have become more skilled at hiding the gesture, but it might still turn up discretely.

With practice, we can even tell if someone is giving us a real or a fake smile. The real smile will use the muscles around the eye, causing the sides of the eyes to crinkle. Fake smiles will only move the mouth muscles. A smile is almost impossible to fake.

Now, the question is: can we learn to do it better? I believe we can. As long as we stay consistent between what we say and what we think, and then are aware of what our bodies are doing and the message they are giving at any one time.

I believe that we can use our understanding of body language in two ways: both to help us better understand what people really think and feel, and also to help us underline our own messages. We can use it actively to make good first impressions by having an open, smiling face, open hands and gestures, leaning forward when listening to others, and nodding once in a while when listening to others.

So next time you go out to dinner, take a look around you and listen!

Virak proposes a Body Language workshop

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